SOLITUDE

"Solitude is the furnace of transformation." 

The Way of the Heart: Desert Spirituality and Contemporary Ministry 

by Henri Nouwen, page 25

It used to bother me.  The chaos that emerges when I spend several days in silence ... and it does take several days for my chaotic shadow self to emerge.  Although 2 or 3 days is good rest and much happens, it really does take 5-7 days for my true self to shed all of the outer layers of protection in order to feel safe enough to emerge.  After a week back in the world of ministry and meetings, I realize I didn't get where I wanted to get on my last stretch of silence.  I got a vision but I didn't get the realization ... I didn't feel.  Yet perhaps for now all I need in the vision!  Transformation awaits ...

Initial Concept of the Furnace of Transformation

Luke 12:35-40

As I engaged in Lectio Divina ... I heard, "Be ready and keep your lamps burning" in the first verse and I could go no further ... as I began to meditate I heard God say in the depths of soul

Keep the flame burning ...

Keep the flame burning ...  

Keep the flame burning ... 

Keep the flame burning ... Here I am standing once again looking into the mirror of my soul ... looking at the 2 sides of me.  And wondering, dear Mother God, where are you in all of me?  Out of the ashes and the brokenness shall rise a great light ... to reveal a new path ... a path that leads to new life.  Both sides are broken ... I know ... but only one shows her face in the light of the day.  Dear dear Shadow needs silence and darkness to come out and dance ... 

Final Painting of the Furnace of Transformation

Luke 4:42

As I engaged in Lectio Divina ... I heard, "At daybreak Jesus went out to a solitary place."  Jesus breathed in the fire of the Spirit as he walked to a solitary place.  A solitary place.  Solitude ... the furnace of transformation!  Solitude, no words only silence ... the silence that gives peace not war in the silence the war of words rages on until they fade away and there is only no words ... no words fade away until there is only the breath of God ... Spirit fills the void left by the silence as the day breaks ... starting over again ... one more time

4 days in the Silence ...

I just spent about 4 days in the silence ... Remember Elijah's journey ... "Now there was a great wind, so strong that it was splitting mountains and breaking rocks in pieces before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind; and after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake; and after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire; and after the fire a sound of sheer silence." 

I love Elijah.  His journey into the presence of God through sheer silence mirrors my own ... every time!   As I let go of all of the outside influences I certainly feel like I have sustained a great wind, an earthquake, and a fire before I am able to settle into that place where it is just me and God in the depths.

On my first day I prayed a prayer with Howard Thurman as my newest companion in the silence ... I abandon all that I think I am and all that I hope to be and all that I believe I possess.  I let go of the past.  I withdraw my grasping hand from the future.  And in the great silence of this [present/cs] moment, I alertly rest my soul.    Amen.

Over the next couple of days I wandered the grounds and the rooms at the Ruah Center at the Villa de Matel in Houston, Texas ... creating an art journal,

painting with watercolors and drawing with colored pencils and oil pastels, engaging in lectio divina and centering prayer, taking photographs, and rocking ...  in the safety of the silence my sweet shadow self emerged to dance in my soul.  In a dream, I found a new depth of love for the wayward side of myself that I try to keep hidden away ... the one who feels so deeply and cries so easily! 

The Calm ... before

The Storm

One day Jesus was preaching on the sea of Galilee ... great crowds pressed in on him to listen to the Word of God.  Jesus noticed 2 empty women at the water's edge for all of the people had left them alone.  He took the women out into the water in a boat

 and he taught them together ... Wade into the deep living waters and the people will return to you.  Them women said, "Even though we have been working ourselves to the bone, because you say so ... we'll try again, together."  Adapted from Luke 5:1-7 during a Lectio Divina meditation.

On my last day I awoke with a sense of oneness with myself as I stretched into the light of day ...

And then comes joy!

Giver of Life ... Give me Life

    I raise my face to seek you ... my eyes to see your glory

    I raise my arms to embrace you ... my hands to hold you close

    I raise my soul to welcome you ... my heart to receive you 

Giver of Life ... Give me Life

A Psalm of Lament

This week in our Psalm study we are looking at Psalm 80, which is a psalm of lament.  We are trying this form of prayer as an exercise to understand how to express our deeper, darker emotions especially in times when the theology contained in our minds falls short ... Where are you, O God of my heart?   Here is a current adaptation of a lament I wrote in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina several years ago:

A PSALM OF LAMENT

1.    Call  

Oh Lord, my God and my Strength

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    
2.    Description of trouble

What is wrong with me, that you hide your presence?
And refuse to sit with me in my closet of shame
I’m lost and afraid of the darkness that surrounds me
I run aimlessly as my soul longs for you
I am desperate for you as I search and do not hear your voice
I find only empty promises and bitter blows
My heart falters under the strain
How I must disappoint you, my God and my King

3.    Plea for God to respond

Come to me in the time of my despair
Crush my spirit under the strain of my suffering
Satisfy your holiness with the cleansing of my heart
Have mercy upon me, my God and my Redeemer

4.    Statement of trust that God is listening

I will fear no longer for I trust in your everlasting presence
You listen yet choose not to respond for the sake of my soul
Your discipline will somehow save me from this material world
As you form me in an image fit for heaven, my God and my Creator

5.    Vow or expression of praise

All the days of my life I will seek your face
I will wrestle with you until you answer me
And I will praise your most holy name, my God and my Love 

Amen.

© 2006 Cindy Serio