Deep peace of the running wave to you,
of water flowing, rising and falling,
sometimes advancing, sometimes receding
~Celtic Prayer~
Breathing in … Creator God
Breathing out … fill me with Peace
On the 2nd and final evening of our contemplative retreat, I offered a labyrinth peace walk in silent community ... I walked toward the end and on my way out, I did a few turns on the turns, I suppose it is almost like dancing, that's what people say as they watch, for me it is simply the way I respond ... on one of the turns I heard Clarissa's sweet sweet voice in my head, "I'm dancing in heaven now!" and I felt her love. You see, that is one of the things I used to tell her as I tried to give her a vision of heaven, that one day she would be dancing in heaven. They say that your dying loved one can hear what you say and is fully aware of you. Oh how she loved to dance! wow! still there are no tears, no emotion that I am feeling. Why?
The next morning I walked the labyrinth again, on my own, carrying a prayer station card with the word "sorrow" on it, the other side held the bible verse "My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word."Very logically I think, I thought, "I will carry the first part "my soul is weary with sorry" as my release phrase and the second part, "strengthen me according to your word" as my response phrase and I'll just be still in the center. As I walked in I saw something new, someone had written on a card beside a canvas Jesus sculpture at the edge of the labyrinth,
"When was the last time you cried on my shoulder?" wow, too long Jesus ... and I walked ... perhaps it was somewhere on the way out that I realized I was no longer experiencing grief, grief had been left behind on my yoga mat, when tears streamed down my face exactly a week after Clarissa died. Now I was experiencing guilt, and strongly. Why hadn't I been closer to her? Why hadn't I reached out in a more meaningful way? Why hadn't I asked more questions at MD Anderson? Why had I not been there to talk about what would happen in the end? Why hadn't I done more to help her? Why? Why? Why? All these questions and more I asked after I left the labyrinth ... guilt can a crippling thing, I think. I didn't experience a release of the guilt, not in a tangible way on the labyrinth but I think I can work through it, now that I am aware for it feels different than working through grief.
I walked outside onto the porch and suddenly there was a cardinal on a shrub by the lake 
and it beckoned me to come. Since my mother's death birds are a sign from heaven, especially cardinals which she loved. red, she did so love the color red. I walked down to the lake with my camera and she flew up to the top of the trees, of course it was really a he but since it's some kind of metaphor I am not bothered by that ...A cardinal is a representative
of a loved one who has passed.
When you see one,
it means they are visiting you.
They usually show up
when you most need them
or miss them. ~ unknown ~
of a loved one who has passed.
When you see one,
it means they are visiting you.
They usually show up
when you most need them
or miss them. ~ unknown ~
I looked up, and suddenly the sun shined, the clouds floated, and the tree swayed in the wind. I was enveloped in the love of the cardinal, in the love of God our Creator and in the love of all the saints who have gone before us. In this moment we are one.
I am a ditch-dweller. I am one who lays on her back looking up, seeing chaos on one side and beauty on the other. I am one who knows they simply reside side by side, interwoven and uneasy friends on the path of life.
To begin this journey from the beginning, take this link: The Great Silence
